Today was a good day. More than that, it was a great day. Most importantly, it was God's day. God taught me so much today I doubt I'll be able to write it all down- but I will do my best.
First, I learned that the good things you expect to happen rarely happen. For instance, I expected to call a friend from high school and catch up with her. That didn't happen. Second, I realized that the good things God knows you need appear when you need them the most- whether you know you need them or not. Let me explain what I mean. I met a wonderful girl when I was in middle school. For the sake of the story, let's call her April. April was a shy, quiet girl who loved the Lord, and longed to serve Him. At the time, I was a foolish, rowdy girl who seemed like the perfect Christian, but I lived to serve only myself. April and I became friends through a mutual friend. Our friendship blossomed and grew as only middle school friendships can, and we entered high school seemingly on the same page. We were both trying to live for God and serve our church in a multitude of ways- I was only outwardly obeying, and I can only attest to my own heart. As time passed the way it does, April and I drifted apart. I was slowly becoming more and more like the world that I so loved, and I was ever-so-slightly pushing April out. I didn't know it then, but April resented my treatment of her, and she developed a grudge against me in her heart. (I do not fault her for this, because I deserved every bit of her dislike.) Years went by, and suddenly I found that God (in the way that only He can do) had softened my heart, and I decided to follow Him wherever He wanted me to go. I hadn't forgotten about April, and had even tried to reconcile with her in my new state of awareness as an awakened believer. She hadn't exactly snubbed me, but I can tell you that I felt how hurt she was. This is where the plot begins to thicken. God was calling my heart to Him, and I was prepared to follow Him with reckless abandon. He paved the way for me (in a whirlwind) to attend BBC, and in a matter of weeks I found myself smack in the middle of the quaintest little campus one could imagine. It reminded me greatly of Hogwarts- towering buildings crafted as if by magic, slightly eccentric professors simply radiating wisdom and authority, and a student body that knew each other by name- all nestled into the crook of a majestic mountain that hid its loot out of sight of the rest of the world. My admissions counselor at the time begged me to join the cross country team, and even told me that I knew one of the other new participants. Intrigued, I joined up, and was quite surprised to find that April was on the team. I had forgotten that she also was attending BBC, and that she was interested in keeping in shape for the coming school year. Things seemed to be better in terms of our relationship- whatever had been bothering her before I appeared seemed to have long disappeared. We trained and trained for our first meet, which approached more rapidly than we all would have liked. Before long, we were standing in our box, waiting for the horn to start at our first race. April and I set off at an extremely easy pace- our only goal was to reach the finish line. I struggled- probably more than I let on- to breathe, and to keep myself at a steady pace. I began to repeat a mantra aloud that I maintained for the entire course of the four-kilometer race: "All for Him." "All for Him, all for Him." This I repeated countless times as April and I dove into the first half-mile. Some members of another team said unkind things about us as we passed by- to which I shouted all the more loudly, "ALL FOR HIM, AND NOT FOR ME!" We continued the trek. April began to struggle to breathe. Then she started to panic. I mumbled something about "deep in deep out" and attempted to help her refocus. She calmed herself enough to maintain her pace and I stayed steady at her side. Every few minutes I would call out softly to remind myself: "All for Him." Soon, I was really finding it difficult to breathe. I made sure April was still feeling like she could manage her pace, and I changed my mantra: "All for You, Jesus." This I repeated many times before my legs began to shake from exhaustion. My mantra morphed yet again, to include: "All for You, Jesus. Carry us." Every breath felt like a stab in my chest, but I felt that to stop calling out to the One who gave it to me would serve only to let my faith in Him waver. So I continued my plea. My steps were labored, my limbs were heavy, but still I repeated this, over and over: "Carry us. Carry us. Carry us, Jesus." As we approached the final stretch, I began to scream with every step, "All for YOU, Jesus, ALL for YOU!" People turned back to see where the obnoxious screaming was coming from, and in my peripheral vision I saw some point and laugh, but I shouted all the more. I encouraged April to keep going, that we were almost there, even while my own body cried out for me to be finished, to rest. My legs felt like they weren't going to hold me. We carried on down the straightaway, hearts pounding, eyes watering. "All for You, Jesus." I was fifty steps away. "All for You, Jesus." April grabbed my hand and we stepped across the finish line together, our first ever race. "All for You, Jesus." * * * April talked to me after the race. She told me that she had held some hurt feelings in her heart. She apologized for the thoughts she'd had about me- misconceptions, judgment, unfair assumptions- she poured out her heart to me. I was shocked. She told me that before the race, she was angry with me. That she had wanted BBC to be the thing that she got to do. And that when I'd joined cross country with her, she hadn't been too pleased. But today, in that race, she'd been changed. She was amazed that I'd stayed with her for the entire race- she wasn't expecting that. She asked me if we could start over, if we could forget about what had happened before in our friendship and start anew. I told her, "Of course!" This is what I mean when I say that God gives you the good things you weren't expecting- they are so much sweeter than the things you could have planned. God is awesome.
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On those days where you wake up late, forget your books, can't find your shoe, and lose your favorite water bottle- (all in one) it may seem like God just forgot to take care of you that day. Or that He forgot you were a college student and you absolutely needed your book for that class because you were going to fail otherwise. The truth is, He didn't forget.
In fact, He knows that you're sitting in your room right now, stressing out over that pop quiz you totally bombed because you couldn't find your resource paper in time. It's okay. You will survive. You may need to stay after class and get caught up, but if that's what it takes to pass the class, you ought to take the time. Even though it's a pain, and even though you would much rather be sleeping or studying, it could mean the difference between passing the semester and having to retake a critical course. Also, don't stress over the little things. They are called "little things" because you are supposed to be able to live without them. Losing a pencil isn't the end of the world. Neither is failing a test. Get up tomorrow and go over the things you missed so that when the next test comes, you won't be stressing over it. It's a little thing. Let it be a happy little thing. And finally, always remember this: Good friends are like fat thighs: they always keep in touch. -Anonymous As you begin to fall into the swing of things, "syllabus shock," "procrastinator's syndrome," and "caffeine overload" become very familiar to you. Not to mention the overwhelming wave of anxiety as you suddenly realize that Mom and Dad really aren't going to tuck you in at night or buy you lunch or make your breakfast.
Suddenly, the floodgates open, and you cry for the loss of dependence, you cry because you miss them, and you cry because you now understand that your relationship to them will never be the same again. You also cry because you know you still need them, even though they aren't around to be needed. Once you've wiped the snot from your face and taken a couple of calming breaths, look around you. Stand up and walk around your room. Say to your room, "You are home. You are safe. You are not alone." It's true. Everyone goes through this separation stage. You can find solace in the knowledge that there have been thousands before you that have cried the same tears, in the same ugly way that you have just demonstrated, and you will be okay. Yes, there will be times when you will feel this way again, but you will survive. Make friends who will surround you with love and support, and comfort you when you need it. Know that they are there for you when that loneliness hits again. Another thing to keep in mind is that when you finally reach a point in your studies where the thought of calling Mom doesn't even cross your mind, (even though it's been two months and you really should let her know you're alive) you have the ability to survive without the tether of your parents dangling from your ankle. You will get there. It just takes time, and the effort of establishing new, strong-founded relationships with other people. Know that it is totally okay to cry. Know that you are completely within your right to feel upset, and scared, and a little lost. Know also that you can go to any of your friends with your worries and your sorrows, and they will be there for you. Know above all that God is with you, and if you go to Him and offer up those fears, He will supply you with the peace and friendships you need in order to grow from this transition. **This was written from personal experience, and is not intended to offend, abuse, or single out any one person or event.** P.S. It's okay to ask for help, too! You don't have to flail around helplessly because you are afraid to seem like you don't know what you're doing! Everyone is ready and willing to lend a hand (or a dollar) in order to make the transition a bit easier for you. Never forget that! A couple of things:
1.) Being the "leader" shouldn't be your highest priority. 2.) You shouldn't need to be right, just for the sake of being right. That's a sign of insecurity. 3.) Showing off in front of people you want to impress usually makes those people less inclined to like you. 4.) Trying to outrun a boy to a.) show off and b.) prove that you can ((ESPECIALLY after working out for an hour)) is NOT showing God's love to others, and it is certainly not the way to minister to others. (It also makes you really, really sore.) 5.) Constantly reminding people of your own personal accomplishments just so you can receive praise is not a Godly attitude, and is a sign that you need to have a look at your heart. **THESE ARE THINGS THAT I HAVE PERSONALLY DONE, AND THEY IN NO WAY REFER TO ANYONE ELSE.** (But if they help you not to be as foolish as I was, please, take note of them, and feel free to chuckle at my insecurity and prideful attitude. I will not be offended in any way.) This was really difficult to admit, and even harder to share, as these are my own personal experiences and mistakes. I feel very strongly that God is calling me to share them with you for my own personal growth, so that I can learn to trust others when I need help or chastening. Please let me know that you read this, and help me to learn from my mistakes. On the days when things don't seem to flow as well as you would like: (For instance, you wake up feeling absolutely horrible, or your coffee maker decides to transform itself into a spewing, steaming mess all over your desk,) take a deep breath, thank Him because you are in fact, alive, and remember that He is in control. He is holding you. He knows you are frustrated and sick, and He won't let you go through it alone. :)
I find it absolutely astounding how many versions of God's Word are available in the English language alone. While in some parts of the world that are not too far away, people come running in droves to hear just a few sentences from it in their own native language. That people could be so hungry, so starving for the Gospel, for Jesus and His hope, that they would sit for hours and go over the same small passage just because it was God's Word? To those of us who have "so much," this seems almost absurd, when you consider the fact that most of the Gospel-deprived are also malnourished, starving, diseased, and broken. You would think these people would beg for food, or water, or a blanket. They yearn for the blessing of peace that comes from knowing that although their material wealth is nonexistent, their spiritual wealth is flourishing. They know that their time here is not long; and they seek a greater reward in the One who gave them eternal life to serve Him.
Meanwhile we, in our air-conditioned cars and six-bedroom houses, sit lounging around with not one, not two, but over one hundred translations of God's Word into English right at our fingertips. Most of us don't even realize how good we have it- how much we really have. We have the capability to read any passage of Scripture anywhere we are (to a certain extent) in our own language, and we can go back to it again and again. To think that some people in this world don't know, and can't understand how great God's love is for them, while they have the answer practically in their hands! While others can't know, and may never understand, because His love has not been crafted into a language they can comprehend; it makes my heart ache. I'd just like to point out a couple of things I've noticed in the few days that I've been on campus.
1.) The freedom can be exhilarating- and a bit overwhelming if you're not used to it. 2.) The food will never be as good as mom's- no matter what. 3.) The bonds of friendship you form are much stronger than the ones you made in high school- especially if you're on a sports team. 4.) The fun you can have on and off campus is limitless- if you allow yourself to be open to unplanned adventures or late night rendezvous with the girls in the dorm across from you! 5.) You will miss home, and you will have moments of nervousness or anxiety- but that's how life is anyway! Embrace this new life wholeheartedly, and allow God to work in you for His glory and your good- you never know what He will bring into your life! So this is it.
I'm officially at college. In some ways, I feel like I'm ready for it, and in other ways I feel as though I could never be ready for the rest of my life. I'm not sure right now how this is going to go, but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. First of all, I'd like to tell you that college is big. I don't just mean big structurally, but big in the sense that everything you do at college carries much more weight than when you were at home. Writing a paper? That's half of your semester grade right there. Running cross country? You could break an ankle and walk with a limp for the rest of your life if you're not careful. Every act of kindness you perform, every page of notes you copy down for a sick friend, every late night coffee you grab with your roommate- these things are the building blocks that make you who you're going to be. College is the place where you determine who you are. It's about becoming yourself. Growing up. It's a lot to take in! Not only are you responsible for that dirty laundry, you now are responsible for pretty much everything Mom and Pop did for you when you were at home. Some examples? Your car. Who's going to take it to get the oil changed? You are. Your gas. Who's going to pay for that near empty tank? You are. Your food. Who's going to pay for the bacon double cheeseburger and large fries you just have to have every evening before settling down to write that essay? Oh right, you are. Suddenly, you are in charge of everything, and there's no one to remind you to "take out the trash," or "do your dishes," or even my favorite, "clean your room!" It's all up to you. Do you have what it takes? Some people do, and college becomes the best years of their lives. Others don't, and they end up making horrible mistakes. I hope to be great at this whole "college" thing. This was an interesting piece to write. If you enjoyed it, leave a comment and let me know! :) |
JessI'm generally not that exciting, but on occasion I am known to 'rock the boat'. |