I feel like God is beginning to nudge me in a certain direction, but I'm not sure yet. My human mind needs a few more hints to be sure.
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I really don't understand myself sometimes. I must've been having a really good day yesterday because I asked God to break my heart so He could use me better.
BREAK MY HEART. Do you understand the weight of those words? I thought I did, but I definitely did not. I was preparing myself to hear of the death of a loved one, or that so-and-so had cancer, or that a natural disaster was tearing through my hometown. I had just recently heard that a very close family friend was diagnosed with cancer, and in the same week another friend was diagnosed with lymphoma. I was prepared to accept any heartbreaking God was planning for me. Or so I thought. I, in my completely finite wisdom, forgot that the little things can break our hearts, too. Every day this week, I had been jabbering to all my friends- all two of them- how "MY FAMILY IS COMING TO VISIT! I GET TO SEE MY MOM!" I even counted down the days with my mom, anticipating the moment I'd get out of class on Friday to go see her. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday passed slowly but surely. And then Thursday arrived, glaring harshly at me with nasty, sinister eyes. Everything that could go wrong, seemed to go wrong: -I overslept -breakfast was barely edible -projects weren't finished when they were supposed to be -extra homework had gone unaccounted for and now had to be finished in a hurry And just when I find myself thinking, "Of course God wouldn't dream of burdening me with anything else," my mom calls. "I know you were so looking forward to seeing us this weekend, but..." I didn't even need to hear the rest. She wasn't coming. Now, I'm not the type of person who cries every night due to homesickness, or wishes for mom to appear every time I turn around, (and for those of you who do, I completely understand, and I love you all dearly) but I missed her. To know that she wasn't coming was more than devastating. It was heartbreaking. My mom is my best friend. She is my confidant, my protector, my counselor. She is the one I go to for everything. She has carried me through so many trials in this life and I longed for the comfort of her company. I was so looking forward to sharing life with her again, if even for a little while. I had been preparing for the bullet to the head, but I hadn't counted on the dagger in the heart. My heartbreak wasn't anywhere near the kind I was expecting, but it was just what I needed. God knew exactly what to do to teach me what I needed to learn. He answers prayer. Always. Sometimes, when I've had a lot on my mind, or when I've been burdened with a heavy load of homework, I find myself wondering what life would have been like if I had never left some of the horrible situations in which I lived. I feel a sense of almost nostalgia, and it honestly scares me. I don't want to wish for that life- I hated that life. I don't really understand why I sometimes feel like going back, but maybe it's because it's familiar. Either way, I know that God removed me from those situations because He has a better purpose for me than to waste away in a life of dead-ends. He gave me freedom that I never knew I could have. He is slowly but surely showing me that it's okay to trust Him- and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ- with my worries and my fears. So when I begin to wish for the familiar way of things, even though they were terrible, I stop myself and remember that God rescued me. He rescued me and He is holding me in His grace. I am loved, I am cherished, I am being made new. I'm so thankful for this peace that He gives. The old way of life is so insignificant compared to the life of peace and fulfilling servitude I have in Christ that I am utterly amazed. He is so good. God is so good.
It is becoming increasingly evident that God is, in fact, trying to get my attention. He has spoken to me through His word, through general circumstances, and even through His people. I am desperately seeking Him, seeking to understand and comprehend the lessons He is laying before me.
He asks if I am willing to love the people who are unlovable, the ones that are untouchable, the ones that need Him the most. He asks if I am willing to become an outcast, in order to love His people more deeply. He asks if I am willing to put aside my own goals and dreams for His Greater Purpose. Right at this moment, I am not sure what my answer would be. I would love to tell you that I'm saying "Yes! Yes!" but my heart and my soul are unsure. The war of my flesh and my spirit is a heavy one, full of selfish ambition and foolish pride. I would love to tell you that I'm leaping from my chair and following His call- but my body and my mind hesitate. They resist the command that is given them, lingering in the space of "I don't know," and "Maybe not." As my sinful self and my heart for God collide, I resolve in my heart to become a person who would immediately drop everything- my possessions, my desires, my education- to go wherever God wants me to go. I know that this is where God wants me to be right now, but what does He want me to do with what He has given me? I have noticed a reoccurring theme in my life recently and I've decided to confide in you all, so that I can look back several weeks from now and hopefully see some improvement. Within the past week, God has insistently and intentionally placed Scripture, words of wisdom, and circumstances in my life that have opened my eyes to a very specific shortcoming I have. He has done this (I think) to make me aware of the consequences of my behavior so that I can change my attitude and heart before I cause any more damage to those around me.
My shortcoming is this: I do not love with enough depth. I do not love others in a way that leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. I do not pour out my love for others in a way that leaves them refreshed. I do not LOVE others with the mindset of Christ. I love others in a selfish way, only loving them when it is convenient for me, or when it would benefit my outward appearance. I love in the way of the world; I feel love, I do not act in love. In the past few days, God has been sending me constant reminders that I need to love selflessly, unabashed. I need to love so much that my heart aches. I need to love so much that, though I am world-worn, Christ shines through me. I need to give everything in me when I love. I need to love with the fire of Jesus. I need to love in the way that Jesus did. My prayer is that I would become someone who loves so much that every breath I take would be one of selfless adoration for my fellow human beings. I want to be someone who loves so wholeheartedly that every step I take would bring me closer to those in need. I want to love in a way that leaves me completely and utterly broken at the feet of Jesus. When I say that I want to love, I mean that I want to become someone who seeks out the broken, the weary, and the lost. I want to be so bright in Christ that my every move would become a reflection of His glory. I do not want to wallow in the shallow meaning of love, the love that the world proclaims. I want to love with my actions, and my speech, so that all who meet me would know that I am a child of the King. I want to love in every capacity, and not be afraid to keep loving. I want to pour out my love for God's people with a passion that never dies, a passion that comes first from loving my Savior with everything in me. It is my hope that in the time to come I would become someone who doesn't just love those who seem lovable, but even those that the world throws away. It is my desire that God would create in me a spirit of self-sacrifice and of service. That He would be the anchor of my affection, and that His will would become my most important goal. No matter what, I want to love others with reckless abandon, in the fathomless way of Jesus. Girls, this one is especially for you, but guys this kind of applies to you as well. So get out your note-taking devices and pay attention. This is important.
Girls, please hear me when I say that the first young man you meet is not necessarily the man you will marry. Also, just because you meet him at church or at a bible college or somewhere that professes the Gospel does NOT mean he is in a place spiritually to lead you in a Godly relationship. It just means that he goes to church. Or to a Bible college. Or to some other religious institution. That is really all it means, until you get to know him. And that's really all you know about him. Until you spend some quality time (in person) with this young man, you don't know anything other than that about him. Also, to assume he is spiritually mature simply because he goes to any of those aforementioned places is unfair to both you and he, because you don't know anything about him yet, remember? So girls, please be very careful when you decide to turn on your googly eyes and fall for the first "church guy" who's got rockin' hair, because he may or may not be your Prince Charming. Guys, I will now flip this around and address you, because I feel like this is something we as girls don't realize, but it is still extremely important. Just because a girl goes to church or Christian school, doesn't mean she's scoping the place out for an eligible bachelor. Of course, every girl dreams of the day she will marry the man God has for her, but that doesn't mean that you're the guy, or that tomorrow's the day. Please get that misconception out of your head right now, because there are plenty of girls out there in church or school who would love to be friends with you and share stories over s'mores, but because you are so afraid that they are waiting to snatch you up and marry you, you lose out on tons of great friendships! Also, I'd like to point out that JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NICE TO YOU DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE IN ANY WAY ATTRACTED TO YOU OR IN LOVE WITH YOU. I will say this again: Just because someone is kind to you does not mean that they want to marry you. That goes for everyone. Please please PLEASE understand that statement. IF you are in any way unsure of what I mean by that, please leave a comment and let me know so I can set you up with a therapist or something so you can break down the mental walls that you have apparently placed in such a way as not to comprehend this concept. There is another side to this whole post, but I just wanted to put this first part up today because so many people have been talking about this particular conundrum in my social circles lately. Tell me if I'm being interesting, or if there is something else you'd like from me. I feel as though I'm talking to my screen some days. Love and God bless! If you feel like an outcast, or like you're not included, don't let it ruin your day. Don't let people's selfish attitudes toward you make your heart heavy. Show them God's love through you, and go find some good friends who love you no matter what- then have a movie night and laugh about all the silly things you do together. Soon, you won't remember why you were so upset in the first place, and you'll wonder why you were even worried.
Also, having a good laugh is especially necessary if you haven't had a reason to laugh in a while. Getting packages from home helps, too. I'm sorry, I'm kind of sick right now. I'm also really, really tired. Sometimes, all you need is a little study time with your friends in a quiet place. Most of the time, it never stays quiet. That's okay.
Notes to Self:
1.) You don't need to be friends with EVERYONE on campus... It's okay not to know everyone by name. 2.) Having one or two really close friends is better than having a multitude of "acquaintances." 3.) Those close friends will become essential to your growth spiritually and emotionally at college and after. 4.) Focus on building those few friendships first, and maintain your relationship with God. These are more important than any other relationships. (Seriously, having a boyfriend/girlfriend your freshman year of college is just not smart.) 5.) These one or two friends are going to be the people who love you when your hair is a rat's nest on your head, when you're throwing up at four in the morning, and when you need a hug because the death of your fish is just too hard to bear on your own. Choose your friends wisely, for they will serve you well. 6.) You will balance each other out- your goofiness might compensate for your friend's silence, and vice versa... You never know what God has in store for you. 7.) Seriously though, make sure you have good friends! It's so important to find friends with solid foundations in their walk, with minds set on Scripture and uplifting speech. You will NEVER grow if your friends are constantly tearing others down and destroying confidences. 8.) Being "cool," isn't cool. Be YOU. YOU are way cooler than anything the world tries to push on you. 9.) Peanut butter may become your best friend on days when you can't make it to Wal-Mart. For real, though. 10.) Ask Mom for tissues! Don't go through college with a runny nose because your pride is telling you that asking for anything would be admitting defeat- and dependence. P.S. Showers are cool too! And technically free :) I'd like to share with you my thoughts on being sick while at college.
1.) It sucks. I'm not going to sugar coat it because we all know that no one is doing cartwheels while they're sick with the flu. 2.) It's hard. Being away from home is difficult, but being away from Mom and her never-ending supply of cough medicine, allergy relief, and pain killer is definitely a downer. It also doesn't help that she can't make your favorite soup and saltine dinner to chase away the sickie blues. 3.) It's not unbearable. If you happen to live in a dorm where everyone is family, (like I do) you realize that all you need to do is say, "I'm sick" and immediately you will have five different girls running to your aid with tissues, Gatorade, tea, fruit, and anything else you need. Even though Mom is miles away, you have ten more "Moms" ready to come to your rescue! 4.) It will be over soon. Sickness makes you appreciate the times that you're well- and for good reason. Remember to return the kindness that was paid to you when one of your dormmates comes to meetings with a runny nose. Kindness is something to be shared. Thank you to all my girls who made this weekend bearable! You have been so good to me. |
JessI'm generally not that exciting, but on occasion I am known to 'rock the boat'. |