We all knew this day was coming. It probably should have arrived sooner than this, but life slows for no man. Not even Superman.
Anyway. Over the years I have enjoyed sharing little thoughts and memoirs with you all, and I am thankful for the outlet this website has been for me, and the lessons I have learned through my writing. I can only hope that the things I have shared here will someday help someone else in their own journey of growth, of learning, and of growing up. Thank you for everything. May you always feel encouraged when you read the thoughts from someone else's imagination, knowing that their mind and heart have connected with yours in a tangible way.
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Do you ever have moments when something you're seeing or something you're doing reminds you of a past experience?
More specifically, do you have moments that remind you of a person in your past you have either disconnected from or have maybe even fallen out with? I don't have moments like that often, but when I do, sometimes I let my mind wander. Sometimes, my mind takes me to more melancholy moments and I long for the friendship that was lost or destroyed. Other times, my heart longs to ask questions. Questions like, "Did you ever take that trip we talked about taking after high school?" and "Did that boy you liked still take you to prom like you were hoping?" Sometimes, I even allow my mind and heart to take me to the land of "What If," the place that holds all kinds of possibilities. Where this lost friend of mine and I could still be friends- where my selfishness didn't get in the way- where their lack of trust in me didn't crush our friendship and we are still close friends, still doing life together. And on rare occasions, I can sometimes convince myself that maybe time does heal all wounds. Sometimes I muster up all my feeble courage and write out all my thoughts and feelings, apologizing for past wrongs. Sometimes I squelch my pride and attempt to reconnect those burned bridges to the friendships of my past. But more often than not, the pain of lost time hurts more than it's worth, and even more often than that I am hit with the realization that time does heal, but it heals and grows you and twists you up and away from where you were to the places you need to be now. I do not regret those lost friendships, the lessons I learned, the love I had for each of them, and the joy we shared together. I do not regret them, but I do miss them. I miss the ease of youth and the special way that common interests merged kindred spirits together in the midst of tumultuous times (middle school was never easy). I miss the frenzy of planning birthday parties, sleepovers and get-togethers with those sweet young friends of mine where the topics of conversation largely revolved around fictional characters and whether we were #TeamEdward or #TeamJacob. There was so much joy infused in our times together that makes my heart swell with reminiscience. I love those times. But I do not regret them anymore. So in those moments when the melancholy memories take hold, I whisper a thank you to those long-lost friends for making me who I am today. I hesitate to construct a post like this, but I firmly believe that to speak the truth in love is to build each other up. Admonishing one another in love and with grace is part of our duty as Redeemed Image-bearers and for me to remain silent when I see blatant sin in my own life and in the lives of those I love who call themselves Redeemed would be to allow sin to continue unchecked.
(WARNING: The views expressed in this post reflect my personal experience and may be upsetting to some. If there is any person who finds fault in any of my words, please come to me in person and address your concerns head on.) God has called each of the Redeemed to live a life that reflects Christ. This sounds simple, but really it is an excersize in allowing God to stretch the very fabric of your nature which has been marred by the effect of the Fall. This practice will go against every inclination you feel deeply within you; it will challenge every knee jerk response you feel is raging to escape your lips. It will threaten every ounce of goodness you feel you possess but child, sweet child, know that God has called you to run to Him when you feel threatened, when you feel frightened, when you feel the icky black ooze of pride creep into your heart. He calls out to you and says "Run to me! Let me take those things from you and fill you with My love! Love My people, and show them what I look like by the things you say and do." Why do I structure my words in this way? This election, really the state of America today has brought out the utter drudges of our human nature. I have watched my News Feed and my social media platforms fill to the brim with hatred, pompous piety, and absolute SIN. My brothers and sisters in Christ are lashing out on all sides, some gloating, tearing others down, and preaching hate, while others are so indignant they cannot see that they too are failing to reach out and embrace their FAMILY. It fills me with such sadness that I have no words. We are called to love each other, to have compassion and to listen to the fears and the pains of of fellow human beings. Why are we destroying the souls of those around us with our sin? Why are we choosing selfishness and arrogance in spite of the Gospel? If your excuse for the behavior I have mentioned is that our examples in politics have been such that we cannot expect to act any differently, I challenge you to look at the true example we have in Jesus and tell me if you would like to keep your response. To my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ here at Clarks Summit University: You are here for God's purpose and His alone. Your focus should be on our eternal home, and you above all should know better than many that our eternal home is far superior to any election. I would like to remind you that we are not isolated on our Summit, up here away from the rest of the world. We are not immune to criticism, or ridicule. This goes for what is posted on social media. We are always being observed. We have an audience which, while not as eternally influential as our Audience of One, is still being affected by our witness up here on the hill. With that being said, I strongly admonish you to be extremely careful about the quality and content of your speech, both in person and virtually. Your words matter, dear ones, and they could be the only words that turn someone away from the Cross simply because they came out of your mouth. You may be proud that your candidate is now in office and your perspective seems pretty bright. You are allowed to feel this way. But in the way that you express this feeling, I am begging you- PLEASE BE GRACIOUS. PLEASE BE KIND. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. You are not the only young, moderately well-off, white male in existence, and you do not have the right to stomp on ANY other person AT ANY TIME regardless of their race, gender, religion, social status or upbringing. You taint this school's name and its history by behaving like barbarians and loudly trumpeting your agendas all across the countryside under the umbrella of "free speech." That, my dear brothers, is not free speech. That is acting like an imbecile, and it isn't cute. Most importantly. however, is the fact that you taint the message of the Gospel and the name of Jesus Christ when you say what you do and with your actions. And that, dear brothers, is what truly breaks my heart. Your hatred of minorities and your utter ignorance of common decency in regard to day to day conversation brings shame and sadness to my eyes. (THis is not an all-encompassing statement, but rather a challenge to those who would find themselves in my examples.) You have been called to so much more, much greater endeavors than the like of which you have been proclaiming. You are worth so much more than a "frat-boy" rating. But your actions and your words contradict the supposed reason for your attendance here at CSU. I challenge you to act according to your calling, the highest calling, that is to spread the love of Christ and His Gospel to the ends of the earth, and to treat all mankind with the love and grace that was afforded to you from before the Creation of time. Rise up. Stop behaving like you don't have the Truth. Start living like you know the Truth, and put aside your petty pride for the sake of Christ and the growth of the Church. I urge you to run back to our Creator God and ask Him to show you where you stand. Because chances are, you aren't standing where you think you are. Chances are, you probably aren't standing at all. It's time to STAND UP. I came to a shocking conclusion recently that I'm still not quite sure I understand. But it is important enough to me that you hear what I have to say so instead of waiting until I completely understand myself, I am asking you to please make very sure that you are ready to challenge your thinking- and your patience! (This post is a bit lengthy, my apologies.)
All right, now it's time to dive in. I have come to the conclusion that "dating" is stupid. "Dating," the way that the general population would define it, is completely and utterly pointless. I lost you, didn't I? Well, hold on. Let me retrace my steps for a moment. Dating, as defined by Merriam-Webster is "a : an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially : a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character b : a person with whom one has a usually romantic date." That sounds pretty ambiguous to me, Jess. Why are you so against that definition? I'm actually not against that definition at all. I am realizing that I am against the socially acceptable behavior of playing mind games with the opposite gender, always vying for attention and affirmation from those you should be considering a brother or sister in Jesus. I have more to say about this, but I am going to pause and address another aspect of this argument that as a Redeemed image bearer I hear all the time (especially from my women friends) and am just now beginning to understand more fully than I did before. When I say "brother in Jesus," or "brother in Christ," what do I mean? We as women throw that phrase around so often to justify our behavior or to blanket our own insecurities with something that sounds Scriptural and "good." But hardly do we ever stop to flesh out what it means to treat someone as a "brother in Christ." Treating someone as your brother in Christ should have some specific guidelines and regulations in order for you to truly be treating him the right way, and in my time here at school I have come up with a few really good indicators of what it looks like when I'm actively treating someone like a brother in Christ. (This is by no means a comprehensively exhaustive list, and if you find something else that works better for you, go for it! These are just some things that I do to keep me thinking about what I'm doing.) I like to ask myself a few questions before engaging in conversation or activity with someone of the opposite gender, and then screen my responses based on the situation. First, I ask myself, would I talk about this topic with my brother? If the answer is yes, then my next question becomes, is now an appropriate time to talk about this topic? This question has two parts: time of day, and time in the chronology of my relationship with this person. If I cannot definitively answer yes to both parts of the question, then I need to move on to a different topic, or politely end the conversation. Those two questions alone have truly changed the way that I interact with guys. This next part gets a little tricky, though, so just stay with me. I don't ever want to play mind games with guys. First of all, it isn't fair to either party, and second, that kind of behavior encourages me, personally, to think of the person I'm talking to in a selfish way, only saying things I know will usher a response out of them. This is a form of deception, and boy is it sneaky! I have ruined many relationships-mixed gender and otherwise, because I only spoke teasingly toward a person, so when I did need to be serious, I was taken for a fool. Be careful what you say. Your words have much more power than you think they do. Now, I'm not saying that you can never flirt or tease or have fun with a person of the opposite gender, but there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior. Specifically in the context of marriage. And this is where I have developed the strongest convictions. God has really opened my eyes to the complexity of my own soul and the way that our souls interact with the idea of marriage as it relates to dating. "That's my boyfriend," "My boyfriend looks so good today!" "I love that my boyfriend does this for me." Each of these phrases has something in common, and while none of them are inherently evil or sinful in themselves, the possessive quality applied to the statements is honestly a little frightening. Those kinds of possessive words don't belong to people whose souls are not joined in an unbreakable marriage bond. God created marriage in order to show us what it looks like to wholly and completely devote your entire being to the selfless service and betterment of someone else. Marriage is a picture of the perfect covenant that God desires of us, and it is meant to point us toward a deeper understanding of the depth and power of unconditional love that God has for us. God desires our souls. He desires to be given access to every minute facet of our lives, down to the oxygen that we breathe. He wants us to say, "Yes, Lord, I offer everything I have to You, it is yours to take." and in return, God wants us to delight in His presence, to delight in His attention and His purposes for us, in much the same way that a married couple would relish the time they spend together, basking in each others' presence. I know this is a ton of information but stick with me, I'm almost done. What dating does to the whole idea of marriage is that dating says, "okay, so I will spend time with you and connect with you emotionally and call you mine and support you and be there for you in the same way that a husband would, but if I find something about you that I just don't really like, well then I'm going to take all those things that I just learned about you with me when I go, and I'm going to expect you to not feel like I just removed pieces of your soul when I leave." Is this making sense? So basically, when you date someone, you are confessing that you feel some sort of attraction to them, and you want to spend time with them and get close to them and learn things about them, but you don't want to share the covenant of marriage because THAT WOULD JUST BE WAY TOO CLOSE AND WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL YET WE JUST MET A FEW MONTHS AGO WHY WOULD WE GET MARRIED?! Am I right, though? You wouldn't think of marrying someone you only met a short while ago because that sort of intimacy doesn't make sense without truly knowing a person. So why would you agree to come alongside someone and act in a way that says you share the covenant of marriage without actually choosing to unconditionally love that person? This is why I no longer have the desire to "date" anymore. I don't want to pretend that I have chosen the covenant of marriage with anyone, because if God ever chooses to bind my soul to someone else's, I don't want to have to undo my own poor attempts at binding myself to someone else from years ago. That is essentially what dating does. You attempt to imperfectly bind your soul to someone else and then you wonder why it doesn't work the way you think it should. So I am choosing to bind my soul to Jesus, now and forever, so that if He ever changes my heart I will be prepared to love and serve unconditionally the man that God chooses for me, in His time. The corrupt few in power make choices for the weaker masses. This is a problem for the common people; for the general population.
"We the People" need to put feet behind our prayers for change in this country and rise to the challenge! I was not created by a loving God to sit idly by and watch as evil cretins destroy my fellow men for their own personal pleasure. I was created to grow and serve my Savior while providing for the needs of the orphans and the widows. This interesting phrase from James 1 recently struck me as I was sitting at my computer, waiting to retake a quiz that I miserably failed. (no, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I've just been busy.) The "widows" that James is referencing is more than likely talking about the explosion of wives whose husbands were being slaughtered for their faith in first century Rome. The word "orphan," on the other hand, could be much closer to Millenial perspectives than it would seem. Think of it this way: an orphan is someone without a parent, without the headship of a mother or father to guide and direct them; no one to provide for that child's most basic needs. Applying that definition to the Unredeemed image-bearers of today in light of Who God the Father says He is to us makes it glaringly clear: Those who do not have Christ are orphans; fatherless souls, wandering about in the darkness seeking hope and lashing out in anger at their brothers and sisters in a constant battle for power and control of this world. So what is my purpose, again? To seek out the widows and the orphans in their distress and to provide for them. How can I accomplish this task? By preparing myself for battle in every sense of the word, and in the midst of my prayers for this country to change, I can go out and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Some days I really struggle to find my identity in Christ.
I have a ton of growing to do, but some days it just seems so hard. God shows me so much grace. I'm still learning how to put Him first. It's a daily struggle. He knows that, though, so He gives me constant reminders of His love and protection, and ultimately His ownership of my heart. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Make me to fall headfirst into your grace with a passion that burns in my very soul for You. My identity is in You. My worth is in You. My value is in You. My hope is in You. My trust is in You. My life is in You. I often wonder what people really mean when they say, "You can't live a day without God."
In my experience, you certainly CAN live a day, a week, a month, you can live your entire LIFE without God. I think the more accurate statement would be to say, "You can't live a MEANINGFUL day without God." You can live your entire life without once acknowledging God, and you may find purpose and success, but it will be empty. What are your motivations for having that purpose and working for that success? So that you can say, "Wow, look at that great thing I did?" Or so that others will say, "Wow, look at that great thing you did?" It may make you feel good for a while, but when the emotions and the praises fade, you will find yourself feeling empty like there is a gaping hole in your chest. You will try to fill that hole with thousands of things: money, fame, power, love, friendships, etc. The list is endless. You are living without God. But are you truly alive? Sure, there might be moments where you feel like you're alive, moments when your being feels awake and revived, full of life. But this is simply a byproduct of your manufacturing. God created us in His image, meaning we bear His image, His attributes, His likeness. So of course, there will be similar responses and reactions when you- as an image-bearer- interact with the same world that God created. Of course you will feel the brush of life where it exists, because it's how you were created to be. But you will not experience the depth of a relationship with the one who breathed life into your soul and called you alive. You will not experience the peace that surpasses understanding from the One who formed your personality. You will not breathe fresh air in each day knowing that you are eternally connected to the One who gave you your purpose in this life long before you knew you had one. You may be breathing, but ou surely aren't alive. If you only looked at the media and news outlets, you would have a very bleak, desolate picture of the world's condition today. You would see nothing but shooting, mass murder, destruction and despair in every direction. It would seem that there is no hope for humanity and the path we have driven ourselves to take in this day and age.
There is one truth that gives meaning to all the darkness in this world. Yes, there is evil in this world. But there is also Jesus. The body of Christ, and the Holy Spirit are still living and active in this world in the work of redeemed image bearers, and to forget that is to lose sight of the one thing that holds the Earth together; the love of Jesus Christ for the people He died and rose for. That love propels me to serve Him in every capacity and allows me to see the hope where others see none. But I don't know that the world is ready for that yet. I don't know that we are ready to let go of our suffering and cling to the hope we have in Christ. We humans find comfort in suffering. We find relief in pain, because it is familiar. It is lethal to us, this pain, this sin, but we cling to it because it is all we know. When will we let go of the pain and cling to Jesus? I certainly haven't come close to mastering this. There is hope in this world. His name is Jesus. I know, I know, y'all thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth and disappeared into an eternity with Jesus without saying goodbye. I wouldn't do that to y'all.
This summer has been the most difficult, most unpredictable, challenging experience I have ever had in my two decades on Earth. This summer has also been the most rewarding summer I have ever had. God has taught me so much, and I have grown so close to Him. He continues to draw me ever nearer as the days pass. He has gifted me with hundreds of new found friends, as well as brothers and sisters in Christ. I am full of joy because of the relationships God has placed in my life. He has given me people I can depend on, and He is teaching me to become a dependable friend all the while. Thank you to those of you who have been there through every meltdown, every outburst, every step of the journey this summer. (You know who you are.) God placed you in my life for a reason and I am so unbelievably grateful for you. I don't want to even try to explain what this summer has meant to me, because I would run out of room long before I finish. I just want to take a moment and express my gratitude and sincere love for everyone I had the honor of sharing life with this summer, even if it was as brief as a moment. I am so blessed to have known all of you. Your presence in my life, as brief as it may have been, will not be forgotten. I will keep your memories in my heart until Jesus takes me home. Know that I love each and every one of you so deeply. I am so encouraged by you all, and my love for you pours out in this letter to you. This is a summer I will never forget. Everything that happened this summer happened because God allowed it to be so. Take comfort in knowing that He does not allow "accidents." Everything happens with a purpose, by design. God is good, and His mercy endures forever. Thank you brothers, sisters, friends. Thank You, Jesus, for all Your glorious work. No words can express how much we owe You, Lord. You hold our existence firmly in Your grasp, and our minds cannot comprehend Your might. We love You. -Jess My school is making so many changes so quickly and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Many of the changes are wonderful, and I clearly see God's hand, but others leave me wondering what God is doing. Three major changes that I can think of off the top of my head are:
1.) New name for the school (University status!) 2.) New president (Jim Lytle- Great, Godly man who I'm proud to sit under) 3.) New internet system for our student website (lots of little changes, but it's still difficult) And there are hundreds of other tiny changes that happen throughout the day that I am not even aware of, but I still wonder. God is doing things all the time and often times I miss it because I'm so worried that this won't work out or that won't go the way I want it to. God has the reins. He's got it. I need to take a deep breath and let Him carry me through it. |
JessI'm generally not that exciting, but on occasion I am known to 'rock the boat'. |